I’m BACK! I took a two week hiatus from the blog to live the lifestyle I preach all about – AKA a balanced one. (Go figure!) With traveling to New York City, working an 8-5 Monday-Friday work week and planning all of my birthday shenanigans, it would have been way too much to try to cram another TO DO in the mix. Plus, I don’t like to feel like my blog is a “TO DO” since I absolutely LOVE talking to you babes! I have posted every Wednesday since I started our blog so it definitely felt weird not connecting with you all for so long! What have you been up to? Tell me, DM me, comment- I would LOVE to know!
So here’s a life update on my end since I’ve been MIA.
Randomly two months ago, Trevor and I decided to book a cheap ass flight for a short trip to NYC. I’ve literally always wanted to go to NYC, and since I told Trevor my lil dream three years ago, he has gone two times WITHOUT me. (It was for work, but still…) I was dying for a trip.
As the trip got closer and closer, I felt somewhat anxious that my anxiety might return. As you know from my Spring Intention blog post, one of my intentions for the month of March was to let go. I wanted to fully embrace NYC and my time with my Trevor. It was so important to me. The pressure I put on myself made me even more nervous that my anxiety was back and ready to ruin a trip of a lifetime. (Like, puh-lease give me a break!)
BACK TRACK TO SUMMER (9 Months ago)
I haven’t ever told you guys this.
The last time I had flown out of California for another trip of a lifetime was just 9 short months ago. My sister and I went to Paris and Barcelona to celebrate my graduation and just to explore some of the world together.
At that time of my life, I was constantly anxious and nervous. The most mentally unhealthy I’ve ever been. However, I was so used to feeling anxious/verge of a panic attack all of the time, I thought that I was forever going to have to fight this battle.
In Barcelona I felt anxious, but I was able to fight it and somewhat enjoy my time. Five days later, we were boarding our plane to Paris, France when I had the biggest/longest panic attack of all time.
The worst day of my life. If you have ever had a panic attack, you totally get it. If you haven’t, it feels like you can’t breath, like you’re having a heart attack, like you’re running for your life, like you’re basically going absolutely crazy and out of control.
I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to get on the plane, find my seat and sit through the whole flight. (Sweating, shaking & heart racing) The whole hour of the flight I just wanted to jump out of the plane.
The panic attack didn’t stop until I ran out of the airport. I remember just uncontrollably crying in my sisters arms. So afraid of myself and the fact that I lost all control. I lost my battle.
For the rest of the day and most of the trip, I slept. I was on the verge of another panic attack the entire trip. I fell into a deep depression and didn’t know what was wrong with me. My body was in shock and my mind was shutting down.
I couldn’t function.
FAST FORWARD TO NOW
It took me 4 months to heal mentally from Paris and then another 5 months to practice slowing down, staying present and putting my self-care & happiness first.
I feel 1000% better NOW.
As you can tell, traveling to NYC was subconsciously making me nervous again. Nervous that all of my 9 months of healing would be wiped away and I would be back to square one. Anxious and depressed.
I prayed and practiced my new tools for managing anxiety. I stayed present and focused on me and Trevor.
I ended up having the best time of my life. I couldn’t be more proud of myself.
Not one ounce of anxiety.
Surprisingly, New York City made me feel safe, made me feel secure with traveling, made me feel confident within myself.
The crowds didn’t bother me, like they once had. In fact, I felt so comfortable in them and a part of something magical.
NYC was more than just a trip to celebrate my birthday. It was a trip that made me feel finally at peace with my biggest fear. My fear that my debilitating anxiety and depression would come back. I was finally able to close that chapter of my life and open a new one full of letting go.
The slight anxiety I left here with is gone. New York City cured me.
Stay tuned for my next post all about our trip in New York: Restaurant tips, best roof top bars, where we adventured, what we saw, did and stayed! We did it all and only in 4 short days!